you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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