The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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