Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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