Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
