Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
