I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
