Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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