You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
