apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the day after is always just damage control
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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