So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
