So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
