I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
