well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Randomize
