After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
