Your face is a jimmy john
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
