Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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