Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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