my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
