I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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