There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
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just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
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Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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