she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
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So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
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I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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