I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
