Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
