I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
