My first STD was from a foam party
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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