She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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