Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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