Need sex. Gaining weight.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
