I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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