so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
