So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.