and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
