I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
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