I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Randomize
