Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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