Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
