I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
COCAINE IS GR8
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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