When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
