i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
