Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
