Swine flu. Run for my life!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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