I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
