my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
