i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
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The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
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Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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