Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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