I am spending my child support on dildos
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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