I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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