What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
