I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
