Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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