Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
