What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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