I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
