If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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