I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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