She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
