He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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