I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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