No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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