My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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