Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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