im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Im part way to drunk.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
